Give Yourself Space

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One morning I woke up to an unusual, smoky smell. As it turned out, I had left the burner on the stove on overnight. The flame had been so low that it did not even set off the smoke detector. In fact, it did not even burn the leftover rice in the pot. It simply fused the rice together into a beige-colored Frisbee formation. Kind of a super-sized rice cake!

Everybody makes those kinds of mistakes. I have to remind myself not every mistake is due to my visual issues. It really could happen to anyone.

Still, it reminded me that I have to ask my fully sighted son to do the “nightly lock-up” of the house, including checking to ensure that all the doors are locked, the lights are turned off, and now, that the stove’s burners are off.

So now, I feel in a way as if I have lost my “standing” in the house. I know I haven’t, really, and no one else is making me feel this way. It is just that I used to do it all without a thought. And now I have to cede control of what I cannot control anyway.

I came to realize that there were many losses I had yet to allow myself to grieve over, and I thought, isn’t that true of us all?

I have grieved for family members who have passed on, but I never allowed myself to mourn twenty years ago when a surgery meant to correct a macular hole instead took away the vision in that eye.

I never faced the fact that there have been a series of transitions in the visual acuity in my other eye, and each one is a small death of sorts.

Not to be too dramatic, but several years ago, when I had to stop driving, it was the end of an era. And I never gave it another conscious thought; however, I have thought of it often, unconsciously.

Every time I have to call Lyft for a ride to a doctor’s office. Every time I need breadcrumbs for a recipe but can’t just grab my keys and run to the store. Every time I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it…. but I cannot.

So, I would need to add to the list of losses: independence, free will, money spent on rides that I could have used for something frivolous, spontaneity — in a word: freedom.

There is no sidewalk on my street and, even if there were, it is too far to walk to the places I used to go by car. And the road is too filled with potholes to be safe for me to go by foot.

So, if you have not done this already, for your own well-being, let yourself have a moment of silence for what you have lost. Perhaps even a moment of yelling for the pain you have gained.

I have learned that if you let yourself process all the grief from the past you have been carrying by mourning your losses fully, you will be able to release some of the pain.

And if you feel as if the burden is too heavy, reach out to family or friends. Therapy may help, or perhaps you could talk to a clergy member.

Please keep in mind that help is always just a phone call away, and if you are in a dark place, the new National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Number is 988.

With all the losses you have had to endure, now it is time to give yourself a few things. Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself a break. Give yourself space.

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